Why politics today suck

Short answer: lack of poop. Longer answer: lack of poop and throwing people.

Now, you might be thinking-oh he's talking about the Defenestration of Prague where, in 1618, some Bohemian Protestants chucked some Catholics out a window. Fortunately for the Catholics, they survived the long fall by the grace of god. Or, by the Protestant account, they survived by landing in a giant pile of poop that had been placed oh so considerately beneath the window.

Fecal Matter: The Early Modern equivalent of this

But no, you'd be wrong! Our politics have been in decline ever since the Roman Republic. I know there have been romantics complaining about the degradation of morals since the day Augustus turned the Republic into a Principate (and even before then), but they usually use fallacious arguments. My reasoning is backed up by hardcore facts. There are few objective truths in the world, but among the few is this: Politics are always made better by personal violence (between politicians, I'm no war-monger), feces, and historical badasses. And during the late Roman Republic these three factors intertwined through Julius Caesar

Whaddup, bitches?

When Caesar was first elected consul, his co-consul for the year was a dude named Bibulus. Saying Bibulus and Caesar didn't like each other was a bit of an understatement and because this was Rome, where everything was way cooler, they didn't just go about hiding their mutual hatred like the politicians today. Bibulus was known for being very liberal and open to ideas, often saying "I will have no innovations during my term in office!" Well this didn't fly too well with Caesar, who liked the idea of actually utilizing his power (and gaining more of it as we later see). So one day Bibulus was on top of the big podium in the forum (the Rostra) and yelling about of stuff Caesar didn't like. Caesar, not one for free speech, takes a bucket of poop (the very fact that the Romans had one close at hand just shows you how much better politics were back then) and upends it on Bibulus' head. Then, he ordered his tribunes to break the fasces (ceremonial bundles of wood with an axehead) of Bibulus' men, a ceremonial fuck you-kind of like breaking your first grade enemy's doll, and a tribune loyal to Bibulus was straight up lifted and thrown off the Rostra.

What was Bibulus' reaction? Well you can imagine he wasn't too pleased about being defecated on in public. So for the rest of the year he sat at home and said that since the omens were bad, government business done that day was invalid.

Duuude, Caesar, the stars are talking to me...